“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” – Rumi
I’ve had a lot of emails, calls and comments about what I wrote yesterday about the last day I saw my son, Walker. It’s true that you can’t go back and change life but sometimes the takeaway is worth revisiting, especially if it is a good message to those around you. Life rushes by so fast, it’s hard to capture the true essence of what we are suppose to gleam from the moments that flicker through our minds and days. I’ve come to grips with Walker’s last words to me and those words have served to remind me to slow down, enjoy what I have, so that’s a good thing. Yes, it still hurts to think of those stinging words as the last he spoke to me face to face, but as my friend, Lisa reminded me today, “he would be ticked” if he thought that was the legacy he left behind.
In fairness to Walker, the legacy he left me was to enjoy life, embrace the bumps, scraps and bruises, that this world deals to you and move on. Am I bitter that I was dealt this terrible blow? Not totally. “For it is in the valley that the richest growth occurs”. Do I see the world through rose colored glasses? No. The glasses have been traded for a very clear vision of what is real and honest in life. I see situations and people very differently. I know what is real and who is real. I see pain and I see vulnerability. I see the takers and the givers. I can be honest and real. I don’t worry about what others think of me. I do what I think is right because I know at the end of the day I have myself reflecting back at me in the mirror.
The loss I feel is self pity. It’s not for my son, because he is totally happy, that I’m sure.
Would I give a million dollars to see my son right now? Why, yes! Do I regret that I have to live my last days on earth without him? Never got to see his wedding, children or watch him grow into the man I knew he would one day be?
Yes and no…. you see, when my children were first born, my continual prayer has been to guide them with their faith in hopes they would someday reach Heaven and eternal life. Guess what…I got my wish. You see, when you lose a child, God provides a way for you to know without a doubt that your child is in Heaven, right where you always wish they would be. Some people may read this and think I have lost my mind, but given my choices this is what I would chose. Unthinkable, right? Well, it goes a little like this…If God gave me the chance to go first and leave my children on earth, I would say no! This old world is too horrible for children to be left without parents. Take my child because then I know they would be living more gloriously than ever on Earth. The reality is no one would ever what to chose that option but once the choice is made for you, it’s simple to see which is the more optional result. Earth is hard. It’s always throwing you curveballs. Heaven isn’t like that.
As I said before, once you have a tragedy like I have experienced, God makes you privy to things you would otherwise never know about. There have been some amazing things that have happened leading up to, during and after Walker’s accident. I am trying to record all the incidences so others can read about them in hopes of helping others see just how amazingly our lives are planned. There are no accidents. We waltz through life thinking we are in control. We think we keep our children safe and that we are totally in control of our fate, but I argue otherwise. Do we get to exercise “freewill”? I think so as far as it comes to picking out what we are wearing for the day, the color of our car, or what we decide to do with our day, but the ultimate plan is not ours. Relax, enjoy your life, watch for the signs, they are all in place. Experiencing death be it your child, husband or friend opens your awareness to the life that is just over the bend. Earth is just a dress rehearsal.