Losing a Child…Pearls of Wisdom

My Sunday “Pearls of Wisdom” are typically insightful tidbits pertaining to

interior design, but today I want to share my thoughts on grief and how to help

a friend who is grieving. No one likes to discuss sad topics like death or grieving

but we all have to deal with loss as part of living.

Today, I attended a Memorial Service for my sweet friend Sondra’s 24 year old son.

It was a beautiful service honoring his life. I sat there thinking about all the things

that ran through my head, when I was sitting in Sondra’s seat at my son’s service.

I thought about all those years of sitting at band concerts, ballgames and

church programs where we fought to have a front row seat to see our child.

This time we would gladly give up our front row seat to someone else. Why did

this happen to our child? It can’t be possible, there must be a mistake.

I remember very little about my son’t funeral. It was a blur. I was in shock.

Of all the things we hold dear in life our children are the most precious.

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A child isn’t suppose to die before his parents. It upsets the

rhythm of life. This is not suppose to happen.

When my son died in May 2009, I was paralyzed for almost three years. I couldn’t

feel joy. I couldn’t experience life. It felt unfair. He was gone at 22 and I was still here

at 50. I felt numb and unmotivated. Life was still moving on with everyone around me,

but I felt as though I was in a bubble disconnected from the world. It took me years

before I could be honest with my pain. I feel as though I am finally waking up and

getting back to into the game of life. I have a new found respect for what is

important, real and meaningful in life.

It’s true that grief isn’t linear. It takes a really long time to walk through the valley of grief. The time and process varies with each person. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. We each have to deal with grief in our own terms. It’s a long path because we grieve alone. So much of grieving happens within our minds and isn’t shared. The pain is too great in a marriage to share the grief. When both parents are grieving, it is hard to comfort one another. It is often said that we grieve as deeply as we love, so the process can be extremely long for a parent.

Our desire to talk to our child, call their name and hug them is so great.

Just so you know, it is ok to talk about them to us. It keeps them alive

and removes “the elephant from the room”. We feel good when we think others are

remembering our child especially if you have a child who was a friend.

My son was on my to do list on the day he died. He was 22, but still on my list of responsibilities for the day. There were so many times after he died, that i caught myself thinking wow, I have to call Walker to tell him such and such and then being hit with the cold reality that I couldn’t call him. I kept his cell phone active for over a year after his accident because it was the last moving part related to him. I could call it and hear his voice. I admit I miss saying Walker’s name. I miss hearing his laugh, I miss so many things. His favorite holiday was Halloween. If he were alive he would be deciding which costume he planned to wear for the holiday. Today really isn’t about me and my grief though. I share my thoughts so you can see what the inside of grief looks like so you can help your friend or work through grief yourself.

Here are some thoughts I would like to share on Grief

The most important words you can say to a grieving parent is simply “I’m sorry”. Offering to pray for them or with them. Tell them how much you love them or their child. If you have a sweet story or fond memory of their loved one share it! Those stories are music to their ears. Sweet memories are what get grieving parents through hard days.

The time around a funeral is busy, don’t rush to do something for your friend or family member then, wait til after the service. The weeks later can be so lonely. Let your friend know you are there for them by writing a note, taking a meal, offering to run errands, take them to lunch or just sit with them and let them talk. Sometimes sitting with them and offering silent companionship is all they need.

Don’t tell a grieving parent that their child is in a better place, it is not what we want to hear. Don’t tell them you know how they feel if you really don’t. Don’t tell them not to be sad. It’s their right to be sad and cry, it is important for them to release their sadness.