Master Designer….

This morning  I happened upon Sherri Cassara Designs blog through recommendation of Patricia van Essche of PVE Design.  I love Patricia, so naturally I clicked over to check Sherri out.  I found something that really struck a chord with me.  Sherri had written about a poem from Darlene of Fieldstone Hill Designs called “I am a Master Designer.  This poem really sums up my work and my desires.  If you have been reading my blog for long, you may know that I began my blog, while grieving the loss of my 22 year old son, who died kayaking, this Mother’s Day will be three years ago.  After Walker died, I lost my desire to do anything other than read my Bible and meditate.   I questioned whether I really wanted to continue to “decorate ” other people’s homes when my own was totally in shambles.  .  I had great clients but I wanted to help people with real life issues, more than just helping pick out furniture, paint and wallpaper?  After all what did a throw pillow really add to anyone’s life?  I began to question my own life, my own purpose, more and more.  Material things seemed so unnecessary.  I knew the things that really make us happy aren’t things.  I longed for my life to be one of purpose and meaning.  I wanted to make a difference in the lives of others.  I was numb to life.  It was hard to make others realize what was going on inside of me when I didn’t know myself.  It was the first time in my life that I really didn’t care what others thought of me.  In many ways that was liberating but in others it was not healthy.  Grieving the loss of a loved one, especially your own child, is like trying to reassemble a mirror that shatters into a million pieces.   The mirror can be reassembled yet it’s damage is outwardly still visible.    The brokeness in a person is not visible so it’s easy for people to forget that you are still damaged. The old saying “time heals all things” isn’t accurate with grief, you aren’t healed, you just learn to live through it.  You can’t explain how this feels to another human.  It changes you forever.  I’ve been told that you grieve deeper than you love.   All the jewelry, beautiful furniture and material things don’t fill the giant hole you feel in your family and in your soul when you gather during the holidays or celebrate your loved one’s birthday without them.  Time doesn’t heal but it does allow you to regroup and re-evaluate.  Reading the following poem on Sherri’s blog this morning reinforces how I have begun to think of design in another way.  I no longer think things have to be perfect to be beautiful.  I know that when I help to design someone’s home, I am helping to create a place where they can live and enjoy their family.  It’s more than “just decorating”.  I will continue to do my volunteer work and read my Bible, but I have slowly returned to work.  Interior Design is more than a job for me.  It is my passion.  I won’t let death take that away from me.  Like the butterfly who made it’s way out of the cocoon, I soon  soar back into my world.  Thanks for coming on the journey!